Viikon vitsit - Jokes
On Friday…
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in dispair, he has his first meeting with a Demon.
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie-you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...If you go Bankrupt...well, you're
dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want - you're dead who cares!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No...
Demon: "Ooooh," (grimaces) "You're gonna hate Fridays!!"
Christmas Party
After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole - piss on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Custer
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said:
"I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'"
Aiempien viikkojen vitsit voit lukea täältä.
31.12.1999
